Like A Pinwheel

At the arbitrary mercy of winds
the pinwheel spins,
slowly, quickly, madly
or not at all.

Those invisible hands
that guides us or crushes us
gently, sometimes forcefully.
Always in His palms we rest.

Life is not adorned with succour
there are times we must suffer.
Stealthily if not swiftly
help will come.

The winds heeds no man
so stop cursing.
Like a pinwheel

spin freely.

I Saw It All

I saw it all
the blind Love in all its brightness
the wasted passion in all its glory
I saw it all
in their unseeing eyes.
A wealth of poverty.

They sang melodies of rebellion
They screamed brutally of peace
They sold their souls innocently
They think it salvation, freedom.
I saw it all
their rampant masks of befuddlement.

Art! exclaimed one
Poetry! cried another
A symphony! they sang together.
But I saw it all. Twas nothing but
a drunken stupor of gracelessness
laced with incomprehensibility.

I made my way slowly
deliberately.
I drank their mad slurs,
undiluted vulgarity
tasting nothing but restlessness
and the sourness of poisoned innocence.

Maybe it was I who failed
but who is to say?
The elusive Truth of poetry
music and artistry
may only be a plaything
of our wanton inner-demons.

Mar the Mirror.

Not eyes you think yours
witnessing your uncompassionate moments
your invisible presence
from a hidden plane
where nothing is ever in vain.

Not mouth you feel yours
voicing your feeble,
fatigued lies
from a silent tangent
where nothing is ever fallacious.

Not you
the self within is a sleuth
an entity of pure essence
shadow of a shadow,
phantasmic.

Mar the mirror
that face so familiar
Mar the mirror
with your fear.

F

F in all sense of the letter F.

If I fail tomorrow's paper I'm going to have to repeat the semester.

In which case, can I just quit pharmacy?

Mask on.

If you say/do something often enough, will you eventually really mean them?

Social constructs compels one to obey the path of least resistance. Peaceful non-confrontational course of actions. When really, you fantasize the very opposite. Imagining how a conversation or a decision might have gone differently if you spoke your mind.

But even in your lurid imaginings, the outcome is not good. Not on a long-term basis at least. Not when you're stuffed in the same freezing almost-vacuum as them.

So I say 'Yes' and agree, I bow my head and say nothing, I tolerate, I forgive and eventually forget.

Because 'No' is selfish. Disagreeing is subversive, only leads to open-ended questions that will only tire you even more quickly than it already is. Futile.

In the mean time, just smile, viciously. They don't know the difference. They never do. As long as you don't snicker, the mask stays on. Survival does not come without suffering.

Cynicism is but deep self hate.

I stare into nothingness for

I'm an anomic loner, wretched

and cynical, trapped in a shell

of rootless musings,

trying to articulate my dreams

into the People's language.

Lest the birds speak,

they would understand.

Their singing, my whims,

attuned to a brand of sweetness

simple only to the naked eye.

From the depths of a nebula

soon there'll be a star.

From the height of my fears

everything seems a curse.

So breathe slow,

breathe deep.

Implode.

Betrothed to being egotistical
narcissistic and dumb
I wilt in this darkened corner
a loveless creature.

While my woes are small
and insignificant once it's passed
I shriek mutedly
in lonesome agony.

All of it stems from my own doing
this I understand.
But when submitted to suffering
I accuse Fate of ill will.

Staring heavenwards I search
for help, guidance, strength;
luck, clarity, sanity.
An answer to my silent plea.

All this is but the throes,
that precedes an inevitability
of which course I have no power
nor the sufficiency.

I walk in circles
around my failures, hoping
in vain that it would just end
quietly, peacefully.

Woe is me.

Yes. We'll be having our mid-sem exams at a racecourse.

Pray that I pass physicochemical basis of pharmacy this Friday for I am desperate.

Those out there who have yet to sit for their exams, do make sure you check your exam timetable CAREFULLY. I haven't studied an ounce of physicochem. I thought it's going to be on Thursday. Alas it's on Friday. There's no gap for studying.

And there I was contemplating death yet again like it's a Math paper. It IS all calculations anyway. A bunch of nonsense formulas coupled with concepts of chemistry specific to applications in Pharmacy.

I have knelt and prayed and cried.

Now all that's left is to bleed.

Pray for me.

All night tryin', tryin'

Strokes on heavy rotation as I study. I've always thought listening to music while studying is distracting and counter-productive, who'd knew it'd be motivating. Not as distracting as my own thoughts that kept straying anyway.

With music on, you focus on the studying and when you get tired a little you listen to the music. Narrows down my thoughts' preoccupations.

Or maybe I just like Julian screaming into my ears. Channels out all my repressed rage at having to study.

These are currently my favourites.

Lollapalooza 2010 was an awesome Strokes gig. Julian adlibbed more often than usual. 

Particularly noticeable in 'I Can't Win' and 

the random "Ha ha ha ha ha ho ho" during 'Vision of Division'.

The Promised Rose.

For you.

I'd mail this but it's cold outside.