For Each Of You

Questions of morality,
Questions of immortality,
Whatever it was that amused you,
I miss talking to you.

                           But you've never really needed me.
Till today, your mind to me, a mystery.

My idol, my friend,
For you I feel Envy as much as Love,
To you I speak my mind,
and to me you speak yours.

                            But now we barely speak at all.
Like always, your love for me, I crave.

With nothing in common,
Without any commitment,
A side of me only you know of,
and sides of you I've never knew of.

                            But now you seem much happier.
As usual, our exchanges remain casual.

Friends, I miss you all,
I love you all.

On days when the rain seem to never let up,
I can't help but ponder and realize,
That loneliness is not a fiend,
Like a book, just a substitute.

Dream journal

Since Alice is keeping one online now : 

http://dimethyltryptamine-trip.blogspot.com/

I thought I'd attempt to keep one too hahah :

http://a-spoon-there-isnt.blogspot.com/

"There is no spoon."

ObEwan McKenobi

Haha. Ewan McGregor has got a couple of new films coming up.

The trailer looks real interesting. From what I've been reading on the net, Perfect Sense is one of em' apocalyptic love stories in which a scientist (Eva Green) and a chef (Ewan McGregor) falls for each other as an epidemic causes people to lose their sensory perceptions.

Perfect Sense premiered at the 2011 Sundance Film Festival on the 24th January, last Monday. The reviews I've read been saying it's a real good film, possibly the best at the festival. Can't wait to watch it~

Next up is, Beginners.

Watch the trailer. It seems kinda quirky to me hahah.

Well, technically this was released last year since it premiered at the 2010 Toronto International Film Festival but it'll be released in the states on June 3rd. It'll probably be up on the net soon enough.

This is my message to you

Help is on the way so don't fret. I may not know firsthand what poverty is really like but when I say I care, I mean it. Because those who matter to me, truly matters.

"Nothing destroys spirit like poverty."
~ Becoming Jane~

Now, let's have some Bob Marley shall we? Haha.

"Sayin' - This is my message to you-ou-ou,
Singin' - Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!"

In Echoes

Why is it, when I think of 'laughter' what jumps to mind is something that feels...distant? I always picture strangers laughing, their eye crinkling up and stuff, all in slow motion with a somewhat muted quality. The sound of actual laughter would be delayed, and always echoes.

I wonder...when other people think of laughter, what do they have in mind? Something funny? family & friends? happy memories?

I read an article somewhere (from one of Dad's magazine subscriptions) that laughter is actually terribly mechanical. Most of the time, people laugh not because they find actual humour in something, they laugh because they recognize something as humour albeit not necessarily being genuinely funny. It's a response, like, nodding or shaking your head say. 

My favourite kind of laughing is the kind when I discover something amazing. Something delightful. 'Funny' is short-lived and it is never followed up by a sense of wonderment, which I love.

Kali Terakhir

Mungkin bukan esok, ataupun lusa,
Mungkin juga sampai bila-bila,
Aku, kau, mereka,
Kita takkan berjumpa.

Gambar-gambar buat kenangan,
Semua itu aku tak perlu,
Masa lampau bagi kamu, sampai mati bagi aku,
Dalam mindaku, aku simpan.

Terbang, dihanyut zaman,
Gelak ketawa, senyuman, pandangan,
Semua hilang,
'Kali terakhir' aku bisikkan.

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Note: Gah, this is cheesy as heck. I've never attempted 'poetry' in Malay because I believe that Malay is too pretty a language to be crafted into a piece by the likes of me. I'm crass, I'm almost blatantly cryptic, I can't regulate the softness. It all turn to mush. I haven't enough...I don't know, 'substance'? to pen anything worthwhile in Malay. Pendek kata, aku hina.                                      


But I'd like to start trying...

None of that

"I am a free man---and I need my freedom. I need to be alone. I need to ponder my shame and my despair in seclusion; I need the sunshine and the paving stones of the streets without companions, without conversation, face to face with myself, with only the music of my heart for company"

                                                                                                      (Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller)

I may not be a free man but I still own my own dreams. 

So don't provoke me with talks of acceptance because I'm having none of that.

You say my heart is blind, that life is cruel, that God is just.

You say I only think I know better, that I am insolent.

You say I don't try.

But I am. 
You're just looking at it the wrong way.

Your way.

You forget, I have mine too.

Run

"I run for my life"

    Young cheetahs are badass. Their flaxen longer fur along the upper part of their body contrasts wickedly with their darker spotted coat. The dark lines from their eyes tracing the outlines of their delicate muzzle is a characteristic marking of the cheetah. Of course, being the fastest land mammal, this cat is built for speed. Slim, long limbed, matched with their long tails for balance, the cheetah doesn't actually run, it bounds in long leaps to cover as much ground as possible.

I've been watching them documentary channels on Astro all day today. My favourite documentary today is 'Against All Odds' on NatGeo. It's about cheetahs. Elegant, resilient creatures they are.   

Mortification

I bought my textbooks already. Saw the stuff I'm going to have to study and the reality of it all hits me. Hard. There's MATH in it. And I forgot how much I hated organic chemistry. AND how much I suck at chemistry.

It should've registered in my mind though. If you're going to be a pharmacist, you've got to know the calculations involved in medicine production.  And of course, a shitload of chemistry.

Had a breakdown of sorts.

What if I start failing? It's bad enough I have no interest whatsoever in pharmacy, but what if I hate it? Like Math? I just can't. I practically have math-phobia. Normal people don't spend the night before a math test contemplating death do they? Well, I do.

But of course, I'm going to try. I will. I'm just tired of struggling. I'm not a sciency person. My decent TER was only so because of my two language subjects and biology. My Math and Chemistry were blah Bs.

Imagine not having language subjects to pull my grades up? I might as well be retarded. I'm having some major second thoughts now. Not that I can act on them. Plan F is crazy but it's still a plan. This, I'm saving for when there's no hope left for me. When, if ever, I feel that I can relate entirely with this particular quote:

"Done trying. I resign. I resign. From everything."
~The Soloist~

Then it's time for Plan F. I'd like to stay alive, thanks.

A premonition

For loneliness. All things that will most likely cause me consternation.

For whom am I doing this again? Myself? Certainly not. Well at least, at a conscious level, not really.
My parents? ...probably.

The idea of 'for nothing, for nobody' is just ghastly.

In the end, I'm just another faceless, spineless, scavenger of stability and practicality. If only one could be sane and irrational at the same time.

I'm not entirely ungrateful. Everything is supposedly for my own well-being and it most probably is. I just fervently wish I could be happy.

All you need is love

You don't need a lover to be heartbroken. I yearn and am denied.

My feelings of acceptance is ebbing away, leaving space for second thoughts. Most of all, resentment.

People are excited, I was too, a little. Now, I'm just plain queasy.

Plan E

No electives. You take BPharm you don't get to take electives. At all. Well sure, in 3rd year you sort of can, from a highly limited prescribed list. And my plan D is now in ashes.

I guess onwards to Plan E. Let's do it like William James then.

Don't scoff. I'm sort of serious. I have 4 years to figure it all out. I might just pull it off.

"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter."

Quote may be quite unrelated but it's applicable still. My 'now' can be postponed.

To me it's all the same

Trying Your Luck - The Strokes

"He's trying hard to give his job a chance,

Oh, it's never gonna be,

It's sad but I agree."

Just, not a Guardian. Please. Or I'll wake up in bed as a bug.

I declare

'ANCORA IMPARO (I am still learning).'

Pharmacy.

Sometimes, you just gotta burn a part of yourself and move on. What will be, will be.

Still, I'm hoping. However minuscule the possibility is, perhaps someday.

Reflect

I believe in the grand notion of Poetic Justice, that there are  always victims and villains but really, it does not pay to be too single-minded. This, I've learnt today. I dissect situations. What's worse is, I get affected emotionally thus my analyzes are pretty much radical and off the charts. This only works if I'm objective, which is essentially hard to be in certain situations.

The gentle ones, they love. Most importantly, they're able to withhold judgement for their loved ones. Rare, these people are (Yoda much?).

Things are looking much better for me, which is a relief. Though things are what I'd brand as 'apocalyptic' are  befalling a number of others I care enough about. I hope things will work out for them.

Also, I shall now give up entirely on 'signs'. I confess, I take too many random things as significant 'signs'. With people, this particular attribute can be quite useful (well, sometimes) but with random occurrences? Not so much.

For him, the genial one:

Lost, he resigned from life,

Cutting off connections,

Wallowing.

(I hope you'll find a solution that fits you. I've been there, I know)

For her, the gentle one:

Distraught, she seeks solace,

Drowning in confusion,

Numbed.

(I've shared my thoughts with you. May light lead your way)

Futility

Why this plight?
Why this neverending sadness?
I look upon the Heavens,
And it rained upon my tears.

What life offers me,
Is probably more than I deserve,
Alas I hate to pretend,
That I wish to understand.

I don't see anything anymore,
This blinding rage consuming me,
My grief stricken heart,
My dead, forgotten part.

If I were to swim,
In this vast, decaying sea,
I'll drown myself beforehand,
I'll save myself the attempt.

_____________________________________________________________________________

P.S. I shouldn't have snapped at Adi. Oh how I hate myself. And I thought it was impossible for things to get any worse. If there was ever a period of time that I felt things are impossible? This right now, is ten times that. I feel impossible. I can't do anything. I can't even think about it for too long.  Someone might as well have poured lye into my head. My brain is one big chemical burn. Everything's on fire. I'm beyond frustrated.

But I'll be better tomorrow.

Lovely You

“Hey, hey Jimmy, wake up. We’re gonna be late.”

“What time is it?” He groaned.

“A quarter to we-should-be-leaving-now.”

“Alright, alright. Don’t be snarly.”

You lovely you, I’m telling you, I love you. Can’t you wait for me, honey? Listen to me, baby. You, you, just you. I want you, only you. I’m telling you, I love you.

“I think you took a wrong turn just now. We’re supposed to go left. I think.”

“Shut up. You and your ‘My left and my other left’ don’t know nothing.”

“God, sometimes I think you really do hate me, you know that?”

“...”

The stars in your eyes, I want them. The skies in your smiles, I need them. You, you, lovely you, be my stars, be my skies. I’m telling you, I want you, oh I need you.

“C’mon man, where’re we going?”

“Somewhere we should’ve gone a long time ago.”

“Fuck you! Tell me! I’m not some kid you push around in a park! Tell me!”

“No that was me, remember? Besides, I think you know already.”

I could see his adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed. His eyes wide with fear. Beautiful.

These roses, just for you. Not red, not white, but blue, Just like you want them to be. You you, lovely you, Say you love me too. Like these roses, I will be. Anything you want me, I will be.

“I think I’m coming down with something. Let’s go back. Please, let’s go home.” His voice quivered.

“No.”

“I’m sick goddammit! I think I’m gonna- ” He vomited out the window, all over the side of my car.

“Yea, that’s right. We are both sick.” I said quietly.

I glanced at the side mirror. The side of the car stayed clean.

Baby, baby what do you want from me? What can I do to make you want me? Just tell me, I’ll make you happy. Because, you, you, lovely, you, I want you and only you.

“You can’t do this to me. Us, you can’t do this to us.” He begged.

“I’m in charge now.”

“No, you’re not!” He grabbed my wrists, the car swerved, the tyres shrieked.

“Oh, no you don’t.” I said through clenched teeth.

“NOOOOO!” He screamed.

I stopped screaming.

The falling sensation overwhelmed everything. I glanced at Jimmy.

I laughed.

I was alone.

You, you lovely you.

On The Other Side

It's been weeks. I'm still waiting for my course change to be approved. My peers already have their placements and the anxiety nibbling at my mind has progressed to painful gnaws. It wouldn't be long now that chunks of my mind will be bitten off and swallowed whole, and I? Shall be a hole. Empty.

Nowadays, when people ask me what I'm gonna study overseas I feel a very strong urge to bolt away, screaming at the top pf my lungs. This is now. Back then, when I still hadn't gotten my results I simply felt like smacking them in the face and walk away. Hahah.

Those are the urges, what I really do is, I lie. I tell them, "Oh, pharmacy probably." Each time this shit comes off the tip of my tongue I wonder WHY THE HELL did I lie? I mean, I don't need to. If I like the person enough, I'd just say I don't know. But rarely do I mention my request to change to Psychology. I say Pharmacy because I actually am offered Pharmacy in Otago and my sponsor is most likely to get me to do that. So far they haven't spring this on me, so I'm hoping my officer is lobbying for my choice to do Psych still.

I suppose I'm just too yellow to face the disapproving looks, the why-did-you-pick-thats, and worst of all, the ridicule. Good lord, that of all things just kills me inside. I tried you know, telling people who asked that I actually wanna do Psych. All they do is say stuff like "But you'd have to work with crazy people!" and then my parents would go "You know, Psychology is actually has a variety of job prospects. You don't necessarily have to work with nut jobs, you can get into Human Resource Management or Industrial Relations", which is all very well really except that it also mean they disapprove of my future involving working with nut jobs.

It's not like I'm trying to join a circus and work as a lion tamer! Sheesh.

If this don't work out, I really do need to steel myself and surrender to my ordained future. I'll have to study whatever my sponsor wants me to. I just hope I'd be able to...damn, well, just exist.

Anyway, this here is On The Other Side by The Strokes. My favourite band of all time, for eternity. An ode to my currently suffering mind. Have a listen. If you're feeling pissed at the world, most of all yourself, you'd love it. If you aren't, open your mind...

______________________________________________________________________

P.S.  In my 'efforts' to stop thinking too much of my current predicament, and to keep myself functioning, today (I mean yesterday. Dang, I ought to stop posting stuff after midnight!) I watched:

"I felt it. I felt perfect. I was perfect."

 Black Swan (2010)
(Magnificent film. Portman is magnificent. Nina Sayers's descent into insanity is perfect)

"Amelia, would you like an eat to bite?"

The Terminal (2004)  
(Tom Hanks, what can I say? He's good)

"Kakaa...kakaa...*frantic kaka wokie tookie noises*"

Evolution (2001)
(I miss David Duchovny, I miss x-files. I last saw this film around 4 years ago yet I still remember the lines. Love it immensely).

Undone

Title: Undone

Medium: Poster paint & 300gsm paper

I seem to have fallen for black & white photos of 'faceless' people. There's probably a billion flaws in this painting that I'd like to correct. *sigh* But I've come to terms with myself. I humbly accept my lack of talent. Through my paintings, I seek to enjoy, I seek to create, I seek to express, above all, I seek myself.

This, I found along with the one I drew for  Countenance, they're photographed by Claire Fischer (fictional character) from the Tv series 'Six Feet Under'. I've only seen the first episode and from what I gather, they run a funeral home. Restoring corpses for funerals. The original picture's HERE.

Anyway, just now when I got back from grocery shopping with mom, Adi was crying on the sofa curled up in the fetal position. I immediately assumed that he got scolded by dad but I eventually found out that he was crying because he was thinking of me leaving home to study overseas! Dang, I felt like crying too. Gave him a hug and reassured him that even if I do get to go, it'll be in February.

I suppose studying locally wouldn't be too bad. I'd be able to take care of Adi, always.

Countenance

Title: Countenance

Medium: Poster paint & 300gsm paper

Saw this random picture here and I don't know, it stirred me. I feel that the picture is just one of those things you can't put into words. There's something incredibly sad & lonely about it. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know, it's just...it is what it is.

I tried a bunch of things to reproduce the wall in the picture but failed repeatedly. By the time I'm done the paper's fairly abused but it's a good paper, so it survived. I tried salt but discovered that they don't work on poster paint, then I tried the good ol' fashioned water dropping (I don't know the correct term for this) but it didn't work either. So I ended up using Q-tips. Didn't take time to do the highlights in the hair because I lack the patience. Reminds me of what my art teacher said in form 5, "You don't put in the hours to reach your potential." I'd say I don't have enough 'potential' to be bothered to put in the hours in the first place. Besides, when your best friend is an art prodigy, you tend to feel mediocre all the time hahah.

Persuaded my lil cousin to paint with me. She painted some maple leaves. I'm a good teacher heh. 

Muni's maple leaves, and well, my painting.

Lil bro drew a castle but got 'emotional' when he started colouring it. He's got some sort of inferiority complex (like me) when it comes to art. He's really good, but all he sees in his little drawings are flaws. I try to encourage him but he'll have absolutely none of it. Funny boy. He drew a castle, with no picture reference whatsoever. He HATES his drawing though, said he's "put it where I'll never have to see it again." Haha, he's always been a sensitive and melodramatic boy. Anyway, me being me, found his drawing and snapped a picture:

Adi's floating castle.

It's pretty good aite? And nobody had ever taught him 'perspective'. He first employed perspective when he drew a chair. When I asked him where he learned that, he simply shrugged said "It just makes sense." My darling little brother.

_____________________________________________________________________

P.S. Happy New Year!

P.P.S. I've discovered that the dude in the photo is Nate Fisher from the Tv series 

'Six Feet Under'.