Summer, I wait for thee.

Goodbyes never get easier do they?

My second semester will have 12 weeks of lectures with a 1 week break at the end of September.

1 week for swot vac (study leave) at the of October.

And 2 weeks for exams in November.

A total of 16 weeks = 4 months in Melbourne.

It's winter now, the days are substantially shorter what with 5:20P.M being Maghrib. So, that's good. Days will fly by faster. It's all about losing time when you're waiting for something.

Well, adieu Malaysia.

Dreams

Dreams are desires. I think it's an odd thing that we are allowed to dream what we want in real life when we're sleeping. Sleeping is the nearest to death one could get.

It almost makes death a very real temptation when all your dreams are lovely. I guess this here, is true:

The Man: I told the boy when you dream about bad things happening, it means you're still fighting and you're still alive.It's when you start to dream about good things that you should worry.

(Movie: The Road, 2009)

Almost. Well, enough of my predicted emo-ness (going back to Melbourne next Monday *sigh)

I watched a lot of Viggo Mortensen's stuff last week. Since The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, pretty much every film he's been in are very good. Oh, I've been watching the extended cuts of the trilogy with my cousin haha. They're awesome. I'm actually pretty excited that Peter Jackson is now filming The Hobbit in two parts. Nicked the novel from brother's room, will read it in Melbourne.

He's in David Cronenberg's A History of Violence, which I think is fantastic. Reminds me of Rurouni Kenshin in fact. What with him being good at killing and then just reinvents himself to become good, how his past haunts him and his family, forcing him to become his old self again.

Eastern Promises, also directed by David Cronenberg is pretty darned good too. He makes an excellent Russian mobster. The fight scene that everyone talks about? Admirable but ugh, dude's naked, had to keep my hand on the screen. Nyeh.

AND good news is, David Cronenberg's new film, A Dangerous Method which will be released sometime the end of this year will star Viggo as Sigmund Freud AND Michael Fassbender as Carl Jung. Two of my current favourite actors in one film! It's destiny I tell you. I'm just destined to adore them both. Do watch the trailer:

Another Viggo film I've watched recently is Appaloosa, a western film! I've never given western period films much stock but I really like this one. Film is directed by director/actor Ed Harris, whom Mortensen met during A History of Violence. He plays the more chivalrous and intelligent yet subdued partner to Ed Harris's more alpha character. They're hired to restore peace to a small town called Appaloosa. The whole 'unspoken intimacy' between the two gunmen comes across very well.   

  

Last but not least, the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's novel The Road is just brilliant. The post-apocalyptic scene the story's set in is scary. Especially the cannibalism. I think I screamed a couple of times for  The Man (Viggo) and his Boy to run from a bunch cannibal rouges. But more than all that, the hope, the innocence of the kid, good and evil. Everybody should watch this.

P.S. 

Apart from these I've seen several other films but this is a Viggo post. So, sometime later perhaps. It's just what I do. If I'm not reading, I watch films. Crap films, good films, whatever I could get a hold of. In fact, I watch an average of 1-2 films per day last semester (which probably explains my disastrous mid sem results HD, D, D, C. Mom freaked when I told her I got Ds haha. D - distinction, not the D below C. C on the other hand is a C - credit).

I suspect I will continue this unhealthy tradition of mine but I've got to be less obsessive. I've been doing this since pre-university, that is for the past 3 years. Seriously now. My marks will have to improve though I don't care for it. My parents insists so. I'll try to abide.

I'll always try just hard enough a.k.a last minute struggle , fret over my impending doom, write an emo poem or two, continue struggling, get shit grades, feel relieved though largely emotionless about it, forget, REPEAT. Typical me. Just whinging it.

F

F in all sense of the letter F.

If I fail tomorrow's paper I'm going to have to repeat the semester.

In which case, can I just quit pharmacy?

Woe is me.

Yes. We'll be having our mid-sem exams at a racecourse.

Pray that I pass physicochemical basis of pharmacy this Friday for I am desperate.

Those out there who have yet to sit for their exams, do make sure you check your exam timetable CAREFULLY. I haven't studied an ounce of physicochem. I thought it's going to be on Thursday. Alas it's on Friday. There's no gap for studying.

And there I was contemplating death yet again like it's a Math paper. It IS all calculations anyway. A bunch of nonsense formulas coupled with concepts of chemistry specific to applications in Pharmacy.

I have knelt and prayed and cried.

Now all that's left is to bleed.

Pray for me.

All night tryin', tryin'

Strokes on heavy rotation as I study. I've always thought listening to music while studying is distracting and counter-productive, who'd knew it'd be motivating. Not as distracting as my own thoughts that kept straying anyway.

With music on, you focus on the studying and when you get tired a little you listen to the music. Narrows down my thoughts' preoccupations.

Or maybe I just like Julian screaming into my ears. Channels out all my repressed rage at having to study.

These are currently my favourites.

Lollapalooza 2010 was an awesome Strokes gig. Julian adlibbed more often than usual. 

Particularly noticeable in 'I Can't Win' and 

the random "Ha ha ha ha ha ho ho" during 'Vision of Division'.

:-)

And I was awarded a smiling emoticon. Oh happy day!

Raison d'être

'Electron Pushing'

Well, currently I have none.

I've been in Melbourne for a month now...studying "Pharmacy". My consolation being my nightly The Big Bang Theory episodes, the fascinating and at times frustrating molecular atomic structure theory of introductory organic chemistry, the verses of Rumi & my 50% feather 50% down pillow, I continue to exist.

I miss Fluffy, my pet cat very very much. For the past 7 years he would oftentimes accompany me while I study. Laying his soft furry head on my arm while trying to nibble the end of my pen, chewing my eraser and flopping himself over my books. Adi says he's been looking for me, as he used to do when I'm at college. I used to come home every weekend but now I can't so he's slowly stopping from going into my room and yowling for me.

I find this exceedingly saddening. Melbourne is chilly, and void of furry companions. I can't complain though now can I? I'm not allowed to. 

Lately, I've  also started to feel the bite of inferiority as I ponder my intelligence. I'm not intelligent, it's sad. In class last week when my organic chemistry lecturer called upon the class to describe the 'electron pushing' that occurs in reaction mechanisms, it took me well after the lecture to catch on. A couple of the gifted ones had it done and over with in 10 seconds flat. I was, am, dismayed. What's the point of striving for something you can't be the very best at? It's all or nothing.

But I shouldn't be discouraged. There's time still. Sad as it is, I have to toil for results. Competition is a right bitch. 

0000

 "That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0000."

(Dr. Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory)

      This last few weeks has had me adjusting to a multitude of changes. Oddly enough, I seem to take everything pretty well and not sulk over things. I don't normally welcome fluctuations of any sort in any aspect of my daily life. Now though, changes I see, are for the most part, for the better.

      For instance, I now have a room mate. We share the same room, wardrobe and trash can. This is perfectly normal for anybody else but for me this is quite big. Again, I adjust to this with good humour. I tolerate her incessant off-tuned singing (which, it happens I find to be quite charming) and do not agonize my loss of solitude much. When I do feel like shutting off the world, I'll simply head over to the spare room and play my brand new keyboard. What with my raw and sore thumb and lack of a pedal sustainer, I make do. Will probably try to buy a pedal sustainer soon.

      Another aspect would of course be daily chores. I confess, I have never in my life used a washing machine or rice cooker. I've tried ironing my clothes a couple of times (just to find out what it's like) but that's about it. I now wash my clothes, hang them to dry, iron them and fold them nicely. Alas my culinary skills is still restricted to 'cooking' rice and washing the dishes. Not to matter though, my room mate have been teaching me basic cooking skills and I'm learning. Again, perfectly domestic stuff but to me these are all new.

        Last but not least, studying. I have been studying consistently this past few weeks. Well, more consistent that I've ever been anyway. All that mumbo-jumbo of me intending to 'ameliorate' myself are due to a couple of things. One, some letters of Al-ghazali from a certain friend of mine, two; the fictional Dr. Sheldon Cooper of the tv show The Big Bang Theory. It's funny how easy it is now for me to just sit at the desk (which, I rarely do because I tend to prefer the bed) and study organic chemistry, physiology, even Maths (yes, I am learning to unlearn my math related 'learned helplessness'). Studying had always been a drag to me. Now, I actually quite enjoy it. Good for me huh? 

            

         But of course, as long as I focus on the subject matter and restrain myself from contemplating my future career (for now) of being a Pharmacist (which still fills me with dread and queasiness) I'm alright. Once I do though, it's all a downward spiral. So, I avoid it and it's working well.

My 0000 being my stowed away dream and nightly calls to my family, I'm learning to survive.

Acquiescence

The Apothecary

I do remember an apothecary
In tattered weeds, with overwhelming brows,
Culling of simples; meagre were his looks,
Sharp misery had worn him to the bones;
And in his needy shop a tortoise hung,
An alligator stuff’d and others kins
Of ill-shaped fishes; and about his shelves
A beggarly account of empty boxes,
Green earthen pots, bladders and musty seeds,
Remnants of packthread, and old cakes of roses,
Were thinly scattered to make up a show.

  ( Romeo & Juliet, William Shakespeare)

Who would have thought a pharmacy lecturer would care for poetry eyh? Well, Prof. Louis Roller does. Loved his lecture on Pharmacy Through The Ages to bits. Unfortunately, not many others in the lecture hall shared my sentiments. Most of them looked bored, confused or worse, both. Would not have minded it so much if they at least have the decency to keep quiet but NO, they just have to chatter. Took every ounce of composure I had not to tell the boys in the back row to shut up.

So far my plan to simply go along with pharmacy and take everything in stride is going well. There were moments where it is agonisingly difficult to keep my generally latent misanthropy in check but it is all good. I've been doing my best to go with the flow and not resist and succumb to my anti-social nature. I talk when I am expected to, smile and nod when I deem fit, I tolerate (reluctantly) triple pecks and do my best to be mentally present. I get along.

Grateful for everything that I have now, I am content. I've locked my dreams in my heart, not to be stowed away, but to kindle in me the will to succeed. The time has come for me to put Carpe Diem, or 'Sieze The Day' in practice. I plan to no longer take my academic endeavours at face value. If passion for Pharmacy is what I lack, I'll make do with simply learning for the sake of knowledge in all its purity. Being me, to study practically, matter-of-factly is inapplicable. I'll only end up being reticent, and bitter.

Not with love, but desire, I seek to ameliorate myself.

Timetable

Perhaps NOW I'll start remembering the days again.