Vanilla Sunrise

I finally had a good night's sleep, a first in many a months so I decided to celebrate. I got up early, well early, to have a sit in the park. Have a sit I say because all I intended to do was to sit in one of them benches and wait for the Sun to rise, which I did. I just did not plan on having company, which I also did.

I sat languidly on the cold yet thankfully dry metal bench and draped my arms on its back, relishing the shivers that spread all over me in waves. It was pretty dark still, the sky a bruised blue. A ginger cat jumped out of the trash can by my bench and started to rub itself against my legs, yowling for food. I ignored the cat and looked over the tree line, waiting expectantly for sunrise.

"C'mere kitty kitty. C'mere!" A girl had suddenly materialized on my right, she was squatting by the trash can with her hand extended towards the cat currently curled up on my shoes. The cat only came to her when she started making clicking noises. Feeling conscious of myself, I crossed my arms and slouched in my seat. I peered at the girl without turning to look at her.

"Hey, mind if I sit next to you?" Not waiting for an answer, she scooped the cat in her arms and sat on my right. I reluctantly scooted to my left to make room for her. She sat the cat on her lap, scratching its ears. I felt the urge to scratch the stubble on my chin but did not do so.

"Isn't he the cutest little thing?" She cooed.

"It's a she." I said, instantly regretting it.

"Oh really? Can't call him, I mean, her, Tommy then." I turned to look at her and noticed that her eyes are the exact shade of honey brown as her hair, which happened to be the exact same shade of my hair too. Except, instead of smelling like vanilla, mine probably smelt like an ash tray.

"You waiting for someone? You look like you do." I noticed that her eyes strayed towards my hair.

"Just the Sun." I mumbled.

"Your son?"

"The Sun. Big glowing yellow thing that hangs in the sky all day."

"Oh. Why?" Her almond shaped eyes narrowed slightly. 

"Just celebrating." I said after a short pause.

The girl burst into laughter, jolting the cat off her lap. She looked even prettier when she laughed. "So am I! I'm celebrating the beginnings of my new beginning. Turning over a new leaf. What are you celebrating?"

"You know, I'm a complete stranger. We're alone and it's quite dark. I might be dangerous." I did not feel like sharing my long awaited triumph over insomnia with her.

"Are you?" Her mouth thinned, her honey eyes stopped smiling.

"I might be." I tried to look darkly at her, as I wondered what a 'dark' look is supposed to look like.

"Nah, you're just some disheveled good looking chap looking quite disgruntled. By me. I'm the dangerous one." She put her hands on the back of her head and looked upwards. Something in her voice made me uncomfortable.

It was then that I glimpsed the tell-tale spot of glare over the horizon. The sky grew lighter, slowly glowing into the familiar light blue. I stood up and stepped out of my shoes. I crossed the jogging path towards the damp grass. Warmth seeped into my fingertips and I could hear birds chirping their bubbly hellos. The morning dew made the grass glitter. I closed my eyes and felt myself smile.

Then it happened. The honey-haired, honey-eyed girl walked up to me and shot me twice in the leg. I crumpled into a heap, gasping for breath. I felt her hands reaching for my wallet inside my jacket and slipped my watch off my wrist. She even took my shoes. After that, the scent of vanilla nauseates me and I never slept good again. Ever.

___________________________________________________________________________

Note: I can't sleep right now. *sigh*

Wonder Boys

I'm on a mission, that is, to watch all the films Robert Downey Jr. has ever acted in or at least ones that can be downloaded from the internet. So far I've seen 16. Another 3 already in my laptop, yet to be...watched. I'd say 'savoured' but that sounds much too icky, fanatical to be exact. Enjoyed then. 3 more yet to be enjoyed.

This is what I do. I watch films by actors, not genres, or directors. It's quite enjoyable really, apart from feeling distinctly weirded out at myself. I like watching films by actors because I get to see the range of characters they carry. What stereotypes they have (most actors have one), what mannerisms they usually employ. I like it when I find myself familiarized to their voice inflections and facial expressions, you know, how they tend to act out certain things the exact same way? Ah well, I don't expect anybody to understand anyway. Oh, one more thing, they usually tend to work with a few of the same actors and directors too.

Actors I'm partial to are (this means I've watched at least a dozen of their films), Keanu Reeves, Hugh Grant, Edward Norton, Ewan McGregor and obviously, presently, Robert Downey Jr. (in order of my phases of infatuation with them). Well okay, I've seen a handful of Jude Law & Jake Gyllenhaal's films too. I go through them in phases, after I've seen pretty much all of their films (ones available on the internet) I'd move on.

Right, enough of that. This post is supposed to be about Wonder Boys (2000). Lovely film, funny at times though mostly somewhat poignant. It reminds me of Dead Poets Society a little, because of the whole getting inspired, writing novels/poems, teacher-student relationship, pretty boys (hahah) and of course, Love. Not so much of Love for people, Love for lore. Just you know, literary.

Wonder Boys is actually based on a 1995 novel of the same title by Michael Chabon. I've only read (sort of) one of his works, namely The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay. Read it years ago, a friend of mine's. Not sure if I actually finished it though...probably not, since it's borrowed.

RDJ ain't the main character of this film but he's pretty main so there's almost plenty of him. As usual, he's delightful. I don't know, he just got that subtle eccentric, caustic energy about him. Even though he's not the hero, he's just a lot of fun to watch! Oh yeah, he's gay in the film. He's kinda got his sights on this budding weirdo yet exceedingly cute & talented novelist/lit student (Tobey Maguire) who is the student of his friend, a professor/novelist who he's also an editor to. It's not like his character is running rampant or anything, so it's nothing really. Just, funny.

"...my hood just got jumped..."

After today's hectic shit, I just really need a laugh. So I watched Tropic Thunder (2008). I think it is possibly  THE funniest film I've ever seen. Definitely one of my favourites of all time haha. Freaking hilarious. One of RDJ's finest performances. Just as he said to Brad Pitt at the 2009 Newsweek's Oscar Roundtable: "I rocked that movie." Even at this roundtable thingy, RDJ just stands out. He's real. Here's one of the 2009 Oscar Roundtable parts, it's on YouTube: click.

"Never go full retard!"

________________________________________________________________________

P.S: I don't know why I bother posting bout films. I just do & I suppose I do like to *frowns*

In Case of a Bad Trip

When I start brushing my teeth using my cleanser instead of toothpaste then I know for sure that I'm really out of it. Anyway, it was 5A.M and I couldn't sleep.

Youtube only has one crappy video of this song, so I made this. This is the only 12 minute song I've ever listened to entirely and liked. One of them songs that I listen to when I feel positively apocalyptic, among The Strokes and a couple from Radiohead of course. 

Oh, as for the Donnie Darko clips I threw in...I just think it fits my 'apocalyptic' mood. Snazzy film. Wrote bout it in my old blog here. Heck, I even bought The Donnie Darko Book. Wanna see the scans? Here.

Right now though, this song is one of the two things that keeps me going. So that I won't forget to breathe~ won't forget to breathe~

In Case of a Bad Trip  By  The K.G.B

Unrest

Not just a phone call
Not when what was said shreds you
Leaving you to pick yourself up
In tattered pieces on the floor

Possessed by a great fear
That eats at your nerves, your mind
You spend the day without sanity
Jumping at mere whispers of hope

It is beyond you and your wits
To fathom the cruelty Fate is inflicting
As if all those plans weren't made
As if all that time weren't spent

You mock your shaky resolve
Yet you cry at its leaving
What fool does that, you wonder
All the while, knowing the answer

So, be still my soul
Our future is yet to be set in stone
Though we tremble at its approach
Let us welcome it with open arms.

_________________________________________________________________________

Note: All I'm trying to say here is, 'Fuck'. Because... ahhhh. Just, fuck.

Your shoes, Together

I think it's lovely that you're in love

Your eyes so soft, your smiles so rosy

When I look at you I feel it too

That special affection, only for he.

Unlike those intentionally seeking love

Yours was accidental, a discovery

Natural in ways that makes for comfort

Your Love daintier than wings of a hummingbird.

Between the two of you, things are shared

Reasonable exchanges laced with reservations

I see not mere limerence

I see faith and innocence.

May its warmth accompany you

In the time of his absence
                                                                   When the villain is great distance
                                                                   Against such odds, may Love triumph.

______________________________________________________________________________

Note: Inspired by someone in particular, because I feel that her love is unlike any other. 

Nothing spectacular, simply sincere. In such shoes, most of us would like to step into haha.

UPDATE: It's nice to be appreciated. Looks like my 'poem' made the person it's written for, happy this time :) Here.

The Route V50

The youtube video up there is the 12 minute short film titled The Route V50 (2004) starring the one and only Robert Downey Jr. 

I'd write a synopsis if I could but really, I have absolutely no idea what it's actually about. It's one of those vague short films nobody but the film makers know what they're about. Do watch. RDJ's the only actor in it. Isn't that enough reason to watch? Anyway, It's short & free!

Oh yes, I found the link form this nifty website The Robert Downey Jr. Film Guide. Pay a visit. Even if you're not a fan, please do. It's a testament to how committed obsessed fans out there are. Not only does it have a list of all the films RDJ has ever been in, it categorizes the contents of the films by very specific factors! Just brilliant & absurdly obsessed. I found myself laughing when I stumbled upon this site. 

Here's an example, for The Route V50 :

Summary	As a traveler searches for a place called Confidence, he keeps running into other versions of himself.
Director	Stephen Frears
Downey Factor	High. He is the only actor in the film
Character	A wayward traveler caught in surreal scenario
Looks	Good. Clean, wears a black suit, white shirt
Performance	Excellent
Dies, Gay or Villain	No, no, no
Availability	Released in March 2004 on Volvo's british website in conjunction with the launch of a new vehicle. No longer available from Volvo, but I have posted it -- HERE
2 Reasons to See It	1. He has a conversation with himself! 2. Oh, come on, it's free!
Overall	It's a little strange to explain this film to someone who hasn't seen it, but it's entertaining, interesting, short, and pure Downey. You simply have to see it.
If You Like It	You might also like M.C. Escher.

Then there're some Photos (screencaps from the film) and Video (Trailer for the film). 


I mean, RDJ must've played quite a lot of characters that 'Dies, is Gay or is a Villain' to have earned his films such a category! Hilarious.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

P.S: The fact that the site's link has 'dandychick' in it is just too much. Can't help but laugh. It suits him though. RDJ I mean. He's quite a character.

infantile

Mostly (if not entirely) pathetic, incomprehensible shit that either goes in circles or simply leads to nothing. And 'Nothing' is both the answer and not the answer to anything, everything. Sometimes I don't even know why I drew the things I drew. Then there's the 'poetry' but let's not get into that.

That's what the writings in my journal constitute of. I've stopped writing since I'm done with college. No need to scribble and doodle my 'frustrations' onto the blank, slightly yellowed A6 pages of my dull looking brown-green journal. With all due respect, I purposely picked that particularly shitty dull colour so that I may discourage myself from writing too often. Though mostly, I stopped because my 'journal' pen ran outta ink. Yes, infantile.

So here I am. Thinking whether I ought to chuck it and get a new one. Or just get a new journal pen and continue writing in it. It's just filled with pages upon pages of, well, sad shit! I feel like chucking it but there's like 2/3 worth of blank pages still. I even still have the one I used to write in back in High School. Man, that thing needs burning...

*sigh* My generation and our obsession with documenting every single thought that crosses our mind, when they're nothing much really. 

"We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives."

Fight Club

Perhaps there's some truth to this.

Good Ol' Days

Names you can't put faces to

Faces you can't put names to

Familiar yet strange places

Distant, old acquaintances.

With their awkward smiles

An uncertainty linger in their eyes

Palpable strains of silence

In our tarnished memories.

But I remember, I remember

Not the dates nor the words

But the gestures, the looks, the laughter

Shouldn't only those matter?

Shared among ourselves

We embrace them lovingly, cautiously

Not just our old friends

With them, our old selves.

SACE 2010

Words failed me. Alhamdulillah. Many thanks to Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

This just shows what a whiny bastard I have been this past 1 and a half years. But then again, I honestly felt like a schmuck doomed to fail miserably. Thought the most I could get was TER70. All I hoped for was a TER85, 90 didn't even cross my mind. TER94.50? Not even in my wildest dreams. Gosh. Mostly, I'm very very grateful that I scraped a B for Maths! WHEW. Also proves that with AUSMAT, IT IS NEVER TOO LATE.

My house mates did MUCH much better than I, TER99.15 and TER99.35.They're much deserving. Insanely brilliant, hard working whiz kids they are. Lovely people too. University of Otago will be welcoming these future pharmacists with open arms.

I hope LOTS of us AUSMAT21 from INTEC will be able to pass the cut-off point and fly to Australia or New Zealand. I sincerely do.

I've also called JPA already. The officer's very pleased with my vouchable TER. Thus the possibility of JPA allowing me to take up Psychology is not nil. I even had the nerve to inquire about a change of country from New Zealand to Australia but to no avail. So, I'm going to aim for University of Wellington, Victoria (Not that I'm giving up on UNSW, Australia entirely. I'm quite presistent, so I'm still gonna try my luck. Sue me).

Thanking people who've helped me here would be quite silly since they won't be reading this. So, no cheesy thank yous here. I've already said em' to the people that matters.

____________________________________________________________________________

P.S: Right, a second ago, I got mail form UNSW. Sent me a bunch of stuff, leaflets, freebies and the like. IS THIS NOT A SIGN? D: 

Less Than Zero

'Disappear Here', 'People are afraid to merge on the freeway.'

I don't know why this novel is tagged as The Catcher In The Rye for the MTV Generation. I really don't. The amorality depicted in Less Than Zero unnerves me. It really is, very disturbing. 

The novel revolves around Clay who comes home to L.A for the winter break during which he spends his time with his friends at parties and clubs doing drugs and such. The way it is written, you'd find it hard to believe it is fiction. Other than that, the moral depravity of Clay's friends is astounding. 

I got pretty incensed while reading two particularly horrifying bits of the novel involving Clay's friend, Julian who prostitutes himself to support his drug habit and this other bit where Rip, Clay's dealer, has a 12 year old girl tied to his bed. In both events, Clay did NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. With Julian, he just sits there. While with the girl, he just left! He didn't stop Rip or call the police. Who in their right mind would allow such things to happen? But then again, Clay's a junkie. I don't know, it's just, well, 'fucked up'.

What I do like, is the 'Disappear Here' and the "People are afraid to merge on the freeway.", when Clay glimpses the reflection of his eyes in the rear view mirror, when he saw his House from the hotel and thinks that maybe his dad can see him, and other such bits. Don't know how to describe them, part of Clay's psyche I suppose. I think they're brilliant.

If Clay is in a rye field, he wouldn't be catching the kids that are approaching the brink, he'd probably 'cut a line' and just watch them with apathy. 

I've downloaded the film version of Less Than Zero (1987). Planned on watching it tonight but now I'm not too hot on the idea. Because RDJ plays the character Julian. That'd be much too depressing. I'd probably get upset. Also, because of this:

"Ask him (Robert Downey Jr.) when the problems started and he says, "You'd have to go way, way back." Though, after a moment's deliberation, he cites 1987's Less Than Zero as a point where the ante was substantially upped. "Until that movie, I took my drugs after work and on the weekends. Maybe I'd turn up hungover on the set, but no more so than the stuntman. That changed on Less Than Zero. I was playing this junkie-faggot guy and, for me, the role was like the ghost of Christmas future. The character was an exaggeration of myself. Then things changed and, in some ways, I became an exaggeration of the character. That lasted far longer than it needed to last." 

Source: More Than Skin Deep, 2003

Urh. Anyway, here's a song by Bloc Party dedicated to the main character of this novel, Clay. Awesome song.

_______________________________________________________________________________

P.S: I'm reading Nelson Algren's A Walk On The Wild Side next. Now that I've read Less Than Zero, why not eh? It can't be any worse.

P.P.S: Aite, UPDATE:  Saw the film. HATE it. Nothing like the book & Julian DIES? Wtf.

DeviantART muro

Robert Downey Jr.

I've never really tried drawing potraits before. Mainly because I suck at it (obviously as you can see, still do) but anyway TA-DAH! This is supposed to be Robert Downey Jr. as seen in this picture here: 

I, have discovered the wonders of DeviantART muro. It is an online drawing applications that works with Google CHROME web browser. Now, even losers like me can draw with ease haha. It even has layers like Adobe photoshop. Just slide the slider from (Basic -> Pro).

Give it a try! and let your creative juices flow~

DOWNLOAD

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

"This is every shade of wrong."

Haha. Yeah, I have no life so this is what I do. I get bored or quasi depressed (they're one and the same), then I'd read a book and watch a film or two. Apart from sleeping that is. Begone, my sea or ennui!

And this film here is called Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005). Because I'm incredibly sleepy right now I'm just gonna copy-paste from Wikipedia. Okay. Here: 

"crime/dark comedy film, which engages many conventions of the classic film noir genre in a tongue-in-cheek fashion. It is based, in part, on the novel Bodies Are Where You Find Them by Brett Halliday. The cast includes Robert Downey, Jr.,Val Kilmer, Michelle Monaghan and Corbin Bernsen."

I like the film. It's funny and I can't decide whether it's shitty or brilliant, which oddly enough, makes me enjoy it that much more. It could be because I'm currently very very partial to Mr. Robert Downey Jr. but whatever, he's wickedly funny and pretty. The lackadaisical air he has about him is just fantastic. He's my new film target now. Got tired of Jude Law and have already seen all Ewan McGregor's films that I can find on the internet. So that's that.

Shall try to finish reading Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis by tomorrow so that I can watch the film, which incidentally also includes RDJ as part of the cast.

16th December

It's official, this Thursday (16th December 2010) my S.A.C.E results will be released online at 8 A.M Adelaide, Australian time, which is approximately 5.30 A.M Malaysian time. 

It all boils down to this. I've been trying to gauge what sort of result I'd get. Just so I won't be caught off guard in an unpleasant way. It makes me laugh that I actually applied for psychology to ALL of the universities. What a joke. Me, a shrink. 

*sigh*

Been sleeping on the floor. Reminds me of college where I just can't bear sleeping on the bed unless it's night time because of the heat. Hence, I'm pretty darn sore. Keeps myself from thinking of depressive shit too much. Also, mom's been shouting at me a lot these days. Nothing new but I don't know, I just wish we're not heading to a point of no return. It's like, she's either mad at me for some shit I said or did/didn't do or simply civil. She hates my guts and I? Just don't care anymore. The only solution I see is to not talk to her too much because if we do, 60% of the time she get's pissed off. Heck, she even goes ballistic if I don't talk to her. 

I'm the 'difficult' middle child. It's probably an occupational hazard. Certainly, I'm the one at fault because she's the parent. Children are ingrates. To blame parents for their lack of whatever? is a lost cause. So I give up. I just pray (somewhat half-heartedly) that things will turn out to be better and that I'd stop being such a miscreant. It'd be nice if I could resign from being the Black Sheep of the family and be more like my brothers.

Haha, some depressive shit this has turned out to be. I'm done. Aaahh, let's just have a cheesy somewhat funny song now. Robert Downey Jr. lip syncing Elton John's 'I Want Love'. Ain't a parody, it's the real MV.

The 17th

My grandfather (Mother's side) is staying over for a couple of days. Nothing special about that but just now while in the living room, he picked up a framed picture of his children that he's never noticed before. He laughed heartily and proclaimed 'How small you all were back then!' Almost immediately his joy is replaced by the saddest of looks I've ever seen.

I then realized that he must've been reminded of my deceased aunt who died of cancer 2 years ago. My memory of my grandfather at the funeral flashed in my mind. He arrived late because he lives all the way in Kedah, and when he saw my aunt's body he called out her name as he sank to his knees sobbing uncontrollably. I had been trying to hold back my tears but witnessing his distraught I gave in and wept shamelessly, inconsolably. I cried even harder at the burial. Something I wish I hadn't done. My cousins were all silent, yet there I was, flooded in tears. I feel like it wasn't really my place to have grieved quite so openly.

You know, I wasn't really crying because I missed my aunt. Not that I didn't, just, not so much. I couldn't stop crying because I was thinking of what my cousins were feeling. The sight of my eldest cousin digging his own mother's grave was just too much. Fact that he looked brave and didn't cry at all is just, heart breaking. Kneeling with my cousins by the grave in the cold, cold rain while their eldest brother kept shovelling the dirt is just. I don't know how to put it into words. As if drowning perhaps, or as if being whipped into the sky by a tornado and slammed back into the ground. Your mind just don't work and the tears won't stop flowing.

Now, whenever I spend time with my youngest cousin (which is all the time since we're practically neighbours), I always wonder what it feels like to be her. She never cries and speaks of her mother rarely. Though when she does, she speaks of her fondly. As if she's still around. Her mom's hospital bed is still in her bedroom. Clean and white, but without the antiseptic smell of medicine. Sometimes, while laying there, watching tv with my cousin, I'd think of her and wonder if she's doing the same.

Anyway, I hope grandpa doesn't feel too sad too long. Death, can't be greeted. Not with ease it can't. Can it?

Gone, Baby Gone

Magnificent film by the Afleck brothers, Ben  & Casey.

Gone Baby Gone (2007) questions the very fabric of morality. I don't think I've ever seen a film that carries the message of how 'Right' and 'Wrong' are not simple. How they aren't black and white, a lot of gray areas. Probably mostly gray areas. Film's definitely in the crime/drama-mystery/detective genre but unlike other counterparts in such a popular genre, the plot isn't the staple, overtly simplistic 'the good guys beat the bad guys'. I enjoyed mulling over my own thoughts as I watch the film, comparing them to the characters' as depicted by their actions and convictions. All in all, a hauntingly realistic and thought provoking film.

Plot revolves around two private investigators, Patrick Kenzie (Casey Afleck) and his partner/girlfriend Angie Gennaro being hired by family members of a abducted 4 year old girl, Amanda. The duo teams up with two much senior police detectives, Remy Bressant and Nick Poole to return Amanda to her addict mother, Helene. Joining them is the police force, headed by Captain Doyle whose 12 year old daughter was also abducted and murdered, which makes matters very personal for him.

Due to the nature of the plot, this film's release in Malaysia was delayed by a year due to the tragic abduction and murder of 8 year old Nurin Jazlin in 2007. 

I don't know why I bother posting about films. I suppose I just feel like writing something about them. Special films that really leaves an impression on me.

_________________________________________________________________________________

P.S: Saw The Soloist (2009) too today. I thoroughly enjoyed this too. Based on a true story, it stars Robert Downey Jr. as a L.A Times reporter, Steve Lopez who helps a schizophrenic and homeless yet very talented cellist, Nathaniel Ayers (Jamie Foxx) as he writes his column about Nathaniel.

If you love classical music and is partial to Ludwig Van Beethoven, you'd probably enjoy this film more :) My personal favourites of Beethoven are Fur Elise & The Moonlight Sonata. Not that I'm all that familiar with Beethoven's music anyway eheh.

This too, is a film that is poignant and true to life. Absolutely beautiful. 

Uninterrupted

Too many people, too many thoughts. Not all can be pleased. Though to be precise, just one too many.

So here I am, where I shan't be interrupted.