The Self & Knowledge

"To be imprisoned behind bars is a loss, but to be imprisoned by one's own desires and to become a slave to one's self is the ultimate loss."        ~ Yasir Qadhi ~

This had me thinking my motivations over. Am I in the wrong all along? Is my so-called 'dream' to become what I want to be (which, is not what I'm currently doing) mere obstinacy? One of the many foolish desires of a blinded heart? Perhaps everybody's been right all along. Maybe what's chosen for me now is all I'm ever going to be and really is what's best for me.

But...isn't that in a way fatalistic? Of course, it may very well be acceptance. The good variation of surrendering oneself into the hands that breathed one into life in the first place. 

Maybe all this is just a test. An adversity, a lesson, a challenge. Something that is to make me a better person. A detour of sorts, a phase to accumulate experience and wisdom. I should be steadfast, shouldn't I?

It can't be obstinacy. I hope not.

For the time being, I'll just keep this in mind:

"Knowledge is not what is memorised. Knowledge is what benefits."

~ Yasir Qadhi ~

Shut up. Please.

I'm not angry with the spring -

that it's here again.

I don't blame it

for doing what it does every year:

its duty

                                                       Translated from Wislawa Szymborska (b. 1923)

Back then, when I just stay in my room by myself a lot I'd sometimes get terribly lonely. But now...I'd kill to not go anywhere and be alone. 

It seems, I may need to take refuge at the library more often. There's only so much sudden shrieks, singing, talks about cooking, loud skype sessions with miscellaneous family members (on one such occasion I had to let the Mother undermine my precious Federer with clenched teeth) and icky phone calls to 'husband-to-be' that I can endure.

I wish I can say 'I've had enough' and be done with this, whatever it is. And there I was thinking I'm adjusting to everything very well.

0000

 "That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0000."

(Dr. Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory)

      This last few weeks has had me adjusting to a multitude of changes. Oddly enough, I seem to take everything pretty well and not sulk over things. I don't normally welcome fluctuations of any sort in any aspect of my daily life. Now though, changes I see, are for the most part, for the better.

      For instance, I now have a room mate. We share the same room, wardrobe and trash can. This is perfectly normal for anybody else but for me this is quite big. Again, I adjust to this with good humour. I tolerate her incessant off-tuned singing (which, it happens I find to be quite charming) and do not agonize my loss of solitude much. When I do feel like shutting off the world, I'll simply head over to the spare room and play my brand new keyboard. What with my raw and sore thumb and lack of a pedal sustainer, I make do. Will probably try to buy a pedal sustainer soon.

      Another aspect would of course be daily chores. I confess, I have never in my life used a washing machine or rice cooker. I've tried ironing my clothes a couple of times (just to find out what it's like) but that's about it. I now wash my clothes, hang them to dry, iron them and fold them nicely. Alas my culinary skills is still restricted to 'cooking' rice and washing the dishes. Not to matter though, my room mate have been teaching me basic cooking skills and I'm learning. Again, perfectly domestic stuff but to me these are all new.

        Last but not least, studying. I have been studying consistently this past few weeks. Well, more consistent that I've ever been anyway. All that mumbo-jumbo of me intending to 'ameliorate' myself are due to a couple of things. One, some letters of Al-ghazali from a certain friend of mine, two; the fictional Dr. Sheldon Cooper of the tv show The Big Bang Theory. It's funny how easy it is now for me to just sit at the desk (which, I rarely do because I tend to prefer the bed) and study organic chemistry, physiology, even Maths (yes, I am learning to unlearn my math related 'learned helplessness'). Studying had always been a drag to me. Now, I actually quite enjoy it. Good for me huh? 

            

         But of course, as long as I focus on the subject matter and restrain myself from contemplating my future career (for now) of being a Pharmacist (which still fills me with dread and queasiness) I'm alright. Once I do though, it's all a downward spiral. So, I avoid it and it's working well.

My 0000 being my stowed away dream and nightly calls to my family, I'm learning to survive.

Letter for You

Dear Alice,

It's past midnight here in Australia. So, Happy 20th Birthday to you. I hope you're happy and healthy. I bought some water colour and thought of painting you some roses since I can't actually send any. Unfortunately, today time seemed to slip by as I busy myself with menial chores and studying. Maybe tomorrow perhaps.

Since I met you, it is safe to say that you're one of a kind. I think it's pretty awesome that you don't subscribe to people's opinion and pursue your interests passionately. Also, I don't think you realize what a truly wonderful and interesting person you are. In our short time of knowing each other, there never was a dull moment. You're also one of the kindest people I've ever known.

I hope I've been a good friend to you because you most certainly have been to me. Not that you need reminding but do remember that if you ever need me for anything I'm just an e-mail or PM away.

In all your current and future endeavours, I wish you well.

With love,

Leana :)

P.S. I hope you have a BLAST on your birthday!

Ageless

*deep breath* The Strokes debuting their album on Saturday Night Live. They performed Under Cover of Darkness and the never before heard Life is Simple in the Moonlight.


My joy can't be expressed in words. I have tears in my eyes and I can't stop smiling.

Acquiescence

The Apothecary

I do remember an apothecary
In tattered weeds, with overwhelming brows,
Culling of simples; meagre were his looks,
Sharp misery had worn him to the bones;
And in his needy shop a tortoise hung,
An alligator stuff’d and others kins
Of ill-shaped fishes; and about his shelves
A beggarly account of empty boxes,
Green earthen pots, bladders and musty seeds,
Remnants of packthread, and old cakes of roses,
Were thinly scattered to make up a show.

  ( Romeo & Juliet, William Shakespeare)

Who would have thought a pharmacy lecturer would care for poetry eyh? Well, Prof. Louis Roller does. Loved his lecture on Pharmacy Through The Ages to bits. Unfortunately, not many others in the lecture hall shared my sentiments. Most of them looked bored, confused or worse, both. Would not have minded it so much if they at least have the decency to keep quiet but NO, they just have to chatter. Took every ounce of composure I had not to tell the boys in the back row to shut up.

So far my plan to simply go along with pharmacy and take everything in stride is going well. There were moments where it is agonisingly difficult to keep my generally latent misanthropy in check but it is all good. I've been doing my best to go with the flow and not resist and succumb to my anti-social nature. I talk when I am expected to, smile and nod when I deem fit, I tolerate (reluctantly) triple pecks and do my best to be mentally present. I get along.

Grateful for everything that I have now, I am content. I've locked my dreams in my heart, not to be stowed away, but to kindle in me the will to succeed. The time has come for me to put Carpe Diem, or 'Sieze The Day' in practice. I plan to no longer take my academic endeavours at face value. If passion for Pharmacy is what I lack, I'll make do with simply learning for the sake of knowledge in all its purity. Being me, to study practically, matter-of-factly is inapplicable. I'll only end up being reticent, and bitter.

Not with love, but desire, I seek to ameliorate myself.

Timetable

Perhaps NOW I'll start remembering the days again.