It's been weeks. I'm still waiting for my course change to be approved. My peers already have their placements and the anxiety nibbling at my mind has progressed to painful gnaws. It wouldn't be long now that chunks of my mind will be bitten off and swallowed whole, and I? Shall be a hole. Empty.
Nowadays, when people ask me what I'm gonna study overseas I feel a very strong urge to bolt away, screaming at the top pf my lungs. This is now. Back then, when I still hadn't gotten my results I simply felt like smacking them in the face and walk away. Hahah.
Those are the urges, what I really do is, I lie. I tell them, "Oh, pharmacy probably." Each time this shit comes off the tip of my tongue I wonder WHY THE HELL did I lie? I mean, I don't need to. If I like the person enough, I'd just say I don't know. But rarely do I mention my request to change to Psychology. I say Pharmacy because I actually am offered Pharmacy in Otago and my sponsor is most likely to get me to do that. So far they haven't spring this on me, so I'm hoping my officer is lobbying for my choice to do Psych still.
I suppose I'm just too yellow to face the disapproving looks, the why-did-you-pick-thats, and worst of all, the ridicule. Good lord, that of all things just kills me inside. I tried you know, telling people who asked that I actually wanna do Psych. All they do is say stuff like "But you'd have to work with crazy people!" and then my parents would go "You know, Psychology is actually has a variety of job prospects. You don't necessarily have to work with nut jobs, you can get into Human Resource Management or Industrial Relations", which is all very well really except that it also mean they disapprove of my future involving working with nut jobs.
It's not like I'm trying to join a circus and work as a lion tamer! Sheesh.
If this don't work out, I really do need to steel myself and surrender to my ordained future. I'll have to study whatever my sponsor wants me to. I just hope I'd be able to...damn, well, just exist.
Anyway, this here is On The Other Side by The Strokes. My favourite band of all time, for eternity. An ode to my currently suffering mind. Have a listen. If you're feeling pissed at the world, most of all yourself, you'd love it. If you aren't, open your mind...______________________________________________________________________
P.S. In my 'efforts' to stop thinking too much of my current predicament, and to keep myself functioning, today (I mean yesterday. Dang, I ought to stop posting stuff after midnight!) I watched:
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| "I felt it. I felt perfect. I was perfect." |
(Magnificent film. Portman is magnificent. Nina Sayers's descent into insanity is perfect)
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| "Amelia, would you like an eat to bite?" |
(Tom Hanks, what can I say? He's good)
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| "Kakaa...kakaa...*frantic kaka wokie tookie noises*" |
(I miss David Duchovny, I miss x-files. I last saw this film around 4 years ago yet I still remember the lines. Love it immensely).
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